I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
