Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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