I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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