sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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