There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize