I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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