I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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