This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
