My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
