i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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