I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize