I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
