how can u be prego again
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
