Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
