I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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