I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
