meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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