i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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