Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize