Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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