my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
