He kissed a someone with a penis
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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