your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
