Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
They have beer where we have blood.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
