does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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