I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
