You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
