I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize