i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
