In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She's the barista slut.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
