the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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