guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
