The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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