So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
