there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize