Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
