Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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