Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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