Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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