My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
