we should wear snuggies to the strip club
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
