apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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