ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
