All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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