nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
