Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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