I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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