Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize