is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
