Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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