I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
