Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
