man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
