The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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