WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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