this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
