if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I understand Curling. That high.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
