Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
