Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
