TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
